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I love you but I have to leave you...(1)

I was groggy, drowsy even, it hurt to open my eyes and I kept wondering WTF was going on, why was I feeling my tongue burn. I swallowed and as soon as I did, I gagged, I felt a lump in my throat, pain spread into my ears as I swallowed and gagged and hurled this time, hacking, coughing my ears teared up and I spit the splinters out of my mouth. I heard my baby cry out, she was ten months, my two-year-old was screaming “mommy why car upside down?” He had been diagnosed with an above average IQ and clearly they were right. There was blood oozing from the shards ripping through my tongue and I processed now that we had crashed.

My neck ached, and I heard distant noises. We were in a wreck on Route 66, my Porsche SUV had the wheels in the air, I smelt burning rubber and gasoline fumes. As I turned my head pain slapped and ripped thru my spine, I was inverted and balled up on my neck. It hurt like rass and I was hoping we weren’t going to die.

Someone was shouting my name, but the sound was far away, my breathing was fast “Jackie. Jackie try open the door, try come out, come on open the damn door” the voice was shouting now. Everything I touched was cutting me as I slid my hands around to try and find the door lock or any firm handle. In prone position now, I was pulling myself on my arms and feeling the new scrapes and cuts I was acquiring, glass was everywhere, the windshield had shattered.

Gratefully I climbed thru its ragged opening. I was feeling grass and wetness, and as I looked around and adjusted my eyes to the dark everything hit me.

We were on our way from the pick-up, it was a weekly errand, easy. Shorty would hit us up, let us know he was ready, we pick up the money, package it and bounce. Ice had asked me to drive saying he was tired, but I was feeling annoyed with him and the texts I’d seen in his phone that I decided I was tired too. We were on our way back from Shorty’s, heads bumping, singing and jamming “real love, I’mmmmmm searching for a real love, someone to set my heart free” Mary J Blige was a favorite of both of us. I must have fell asleep because all I could remember was the adrenalin jolt from feeling the truck rush towards the guard rails. On seeing the grey metallic guard rails rush closer, I had shouted out “Jezzas Christ Ice” and he had swerved. My scream had jolted him out of his doze, but it had scared the shit out of him which made him over-correct the swerve, and we started to roll.

The truck rolled, tumbled and slid, no skated on its top, wheels in the air straight into the grassed median area. This is where I was now, on top of smelling the gasoline fumes and fearing we were going to blow up, my babies screaming and trying to steady myself blood oozing from my foot now, I saw paper blow in the wind.

But it wasn’t any paper, it was the money, the money was scattered in the grass, and I was sure I heard distant sirens, breathing fast, panting, I was more anxious now than a pubescent boy about to get his first thrust at pussy. I was crawling on my belly, waddling when I could and fast too, for I had to get to the money. To stash the money as I heard the siren wee-waw, wee-waw much closer now I stuffed the money in my bosom, some by my rear, padded round my thighs stuffing the money and cursing to myself for I had never signed up for this shit. I hated this life.

Ice was busy trying to release the kids’ car seats and I was thinking if we get caught I will die. Jail was no place for a diva like me. I slid on my stomach my foot hurt too much, I couldn’t stand and as I heard the sirens near, I started to picture my grandmother back home in Munich. She could never live it down, a bourgeoisie, God-fearing Maroon she was. She had lofty expectations of me and would never understand me getting arrested. I was fighting to keep my composure my heart beat was thumping in my ears, butterflies in my stomach and I seriously needed to pee.

I must have dozed off because the familiar sounds and smells of a hospital hit me, and I could feel the intense burn, as saline coursed through my veins. WTF, when did I get here? I must be having blackouts I thought. I was seriously confused. My nurse was pushing something into my IV and I seriously needed to pee. “Please I need the bathroom I stuttered, she looked at me incredulously, “I’m sorry, I will get you the bedpan, I cannot have you walk right now.”

Oh shit!

The money was still in my pockets and bosom and rear, she was nearing as she explained how she would help me. I was nervous, anxiety kicking in, she was explaining how she would cut my clothes to make it easier as I was strapped to a hard surface board and wasn’t supposed to move. These lights were way too bright. I mustered a smile and whispered, “my husband, only my husband can remove my clothes, its our religion.”

The nurse was visibly shocked maybe even a little bit confused; after all I was wearing ripped Iceberg jeans, Fendi jacket and Prada purse. I know I didn’t look religious, not one bit with my huge ass out as it was. She replied nonchalantly “Oh ok, what religion is that? "BhuDinduRas" I replied. The nurse mumbled she would note the religion in my chart. I hoped her response meant my bull shit worked. I really really wanted to laugh. She left to summon Ice and I was thanking all my Gods. I wouldn’t be able to explain all that money and we would certainly go to jail if she saw it or made any mention.

As Ice neared, our eyes locked and we knew we would be ok. He came over to the bed and hugged me. He then quickly pulled the curtains and started to take the money off me and stuff it quickly into his jacket and pants pockets. In my heart, I was sure now that I was going to leave him and this dangerous life, I just didn’t know how. ....TO BE CONTINUED

Have you ever been with someone or lived a life you desperately wanted to leave but, just didn't know how to?

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