Is it Love/Lust?-Overcoming Love Addiction
Bringing an end to his sixth relationship in less than two years, Trevon knew it was time for introspection. Janet had been way too tall, which made that “canine” style, particularly difficult, less inviting and just void of fun for him. Merlene and Ashley had been way too conservative, both had insisted on church on Sundays and Trevon revered his Saturday night life. Lovely ladies, the two of them, just couldn’t make it work, not right now, not them anyway. He had loved them so, it had hurt, each subsequent break up, worse than the one before.
Karen and Jenice had inconvenient schedules. Jenice being a model, slept in a different city every week. Karen was still married, pending divorce and worked as a journalist. Committing adultery with her was one thing, but her visits to war torn regions was what he couldn’t handle. Her last trip to Afghanistan, he did not receive a single call from her in five weeks. Truth be told, he was never good at long distance relationships.
He met Marie in October, she knew more about him in three months than all the previous females in his life combined. Somehow he knew the stars had finally aligned. He had found his soul mate; he just knew it! At least that’s what he thought when they moved in with each other after two months of intense love/like/who knows? All the signs were there. He repeatedly dreamt about her, he even envisioned a future with her, which was a stretch even for him who always was in love.
Upon self-assessment Trevon knew this behavior could be pathological. Why did he get so serious so soon with almost every female since first grade? And the thing about it was, he knew better, after each break up, he would scold himself and swear it would never happen again. But here he was back at square one, only this time he wanted it to end different. He wanted change and he knew he wanted Marie…
Why is it that some of us meet each and every Bae (maybe since kindergarten) and will report falling in love with each and every one of them while others go through their entire life with one… maybe two serious, intense “fall in love” experiences?
“When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew”-William Shakespeare
First of all, what happens when we love?
Psychologists say we see that special Bae and chemicals are released inside our bodies; endorphins secreted, oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, and adrenalin are all affected. Oxytocin is a hormone it causes us when we “fall in love” to feel happy, high, euphoric. Cortisol our stress hormone is also released in our tummy, so our butterfly-ish, if I like you one more time I may get nauseous feelings are very real. No worries, kissing your other half and other displays of affection, normalizes these levels and helps to calm the state of anxiety.
Researchers believe in early stages of relationships, serotonin another important chemical’s level is reduced. This is similar to what occurs in obsessive compulsive disorder, hence why we obsess on Bae’s pic, hover over that text, and hate our good friends when they point out mini flaws in Bae. Who knew? These levels normalize by the first year in most cases though.
Why are some of us addicted, why do we go from love to love or, pain to pain in some instances?
Falling in love literally activates some of the areas of the brain that are activated when cocaine is introduced into the brain. The elevation in mood, intense euphoria, mania, sweaty-palms mixed with nervousness, stuttering when you don’t normally is all pretty real. Not to mention the going back for more, the brain craves the real feel good vibes.
An addiction describes any psychological/physical dependency on any substance, object, act or person. Love addiction is similar to other addictions, the intense need, crave, repeated hurts, interruptions in family and professional functioning are rampant.
So what’s the cure, if there is any? Can Trevon really love Marie/anyone else or, are his chemicals just out of whack?
So many go through life searching for that perfect, special, unique love. That being who will ensure happiness, who will give their all, the person who will quench every thirst, that all- encompassing lover whose sex so good you probably will name it! That lover who you’ve already seen your grandkids faces with, but haven’t even bedded.
Why are some addicted?
When one is void of love of self and seeks the approval of others, one places that burden on one’s partners. For example, the lover who felt unloved as a child whether from neglect or parental abandonment will seek continuous affection, attention and may annoy a true love.
The heart that has suffered at the hands of a former love has the responsibility to not project those negative feelings of hurt and anger towards the new object of their attention and love. Nothing is more repelling than an individual who is insecure due to past hurts. Leave the past where it belongs in its rightful place, the past! Develop new memories and precious intimate times with new loves rather than repel them with reliving old stories.
The beginning of healing for love addiction begins with the conscious commitment to guard one’s true feelings and only get serious with individuals who will reciprocate the same. Professional help is also available for love addiction, there are 12 step programs for interested parties.
So are you suffering from love addiction?
· Do you obsess over your partner and want to make sure you do nothing to disagree with, argue or otherwise get your partner upset?
· Always mistaking great sex, intense intimacy with love and authentic long lasting commitment. Remember sex me and come live with me are two different endeavors.
Are there any negative consequences (professional, familial or emotional) because of any erratic love illusions or serial relationships/returning to pathological exes?